¡Hola! from Mexico

Husband and I are here on a two week holiday.  It is glorious here and I am loving being able to wear a bikini - I know I could have worn a bikini when I was bigger but I would not have done so - and having the energy and capacity to tolerate the heat and remain active.

My boobies are now fully healed after the uplift surgery almost a year ago.  My breasts sit full and round up on my chest where breasts are 'supposed' to be and, for the first time since I was 14, I am able to go braless.  I haven't worn underwear since we arrived here.  Bliss!

Here are some snaps:

View from balcony

Hubby and I having fun in the sea

The Lobby bar - my favourite place to sit

Me

Reading on the beach

Caddying for hubby playing golf

<3

Secrets Vallarta Bay - Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

Photos - walk with dog 2nd June 2013

Hello :)

My gorgeous chocolate lab Dobby 

Dobby has been instrumental in my weight loss -
walk, walk, walk, walk :)

"Hello Muma - I love you"

Another non-scale victory: I gave blood today :)............

Today I gave blood for the first time .  I have wanted to do it for years; somehow, however, I never got around to it. 

The real reason I never went was to do with my weight. Part of me was afraid they would reject me for being unfit/overweight - I had no evidence they would but that was my irrational fear. I also knew finding a vein would be difficult when I was bigger.  I tended to avoid medics when I was obese, somehow I felt more 'visible' when in a medical setting (infact one of my motivations for doing the Cambridge Diet in late 2008 was because I knew my mirena coil was due to be changed and I couldn't bring myself to go to my doctor as big as I was!)

Just home from donating blood for the first time :)

Giving blood was fine. The challenge was refusing the carbs they try to insist you eat afterwards.  The lovely refreshments lady was like a "pusher" with her biscuits and bags of crisps.  I was a little surprised that the NHS was trying to insist doners ate such unhealthy rubbish after their donation.  I understand their wanting to ensure people don't become weak or faint and the general consensus is that carbs are the best way to provide quick energy (what happens after the sugar spike has abated is another matter of course) but why not offer fruit?  Fruit is packed with fructose (if sugar is what they want to get into folk) and generally accepted to be much more healthy than crisps or biscuits (the crisps were Seebrooks - totally yummy but - very, very high in calories, fat and salt when compared to most other brands). 

I managed to politely refuse the numerous offers of biscuits, crisps and sugary squash.  Yes I was sure that water and sugarless tea was sufficient thank-you.  The woman sitting next to me ate her way through 4 packets of biscuits (with 3 biscuits in each pack) saying she felt so weak she couldn't open the packets (I did that for her!)

Bx

Self concept catching up with body size/shape......

A thread on the Gastric Surgery Friends Forum this evening has got me thinking about my perception of myself and the fact that I really struggled with my head recognising my new body size/shape as I was losing weight (and to some extent now I am at target). 

I was shrinking but my perception of my size, the amount of space I took up and my body shape remained that of a much larger woman. 

My Ah-ha moment came when I saw myself on video (working out on my vibration plate). I was genuinely of the opinion that my thighs were huge (and I mean truly enormous). Looking at the video I was totally stunned - I could see on the video what I couldn't see in still photos and/or in the mirror - my thighs were entirely in proportion to the rest of me. 

I very much recommend anyone who is struggling with seeing themselves as they actually are to video themselves moving around and to watch it back. 

Since my bedroom revamp one wall is now almost entirely mirror. I spend a lot of time looking at myself in those mirrors (so vain) and moving around infront of them. Partly it is vanity (I worked hard to shed that weight) but largely it is about identity and giving myself visual feedback to 'update' my self-concept.  The mirrored area is so large it allows me a similar perspective to watching myself on video.

Moving images seem to translate so much better into updated self concept.

I can only relate the delay in my self-concept catching up with my body shape/size to occasions when I've had a drastic new hair-cut or colour. I know I have had it done but for weeks it is a bit of a surprise when I have looked in a mirror or caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in some reflective surface.

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I went into Chichester today to return a FatFace gilet that I'd ordered online but which turned out to be too large (it was size 12). Whilst I was there I popped into a lovely clothes shop (Mistral) as they were having a sale (and everybody knows it is the height of bad manners to walk past a favoured clothes boutique when they have a sale on). 

It is only as I sit typing this post that I realise my behaviour in the changing room must mean my self-perception is getting better. I, for the first time since I was a teen, did not screw my eyes shut and mumble "please, please, please" as I pulled the dress over my head. It is something I've always done when trying on clothes. So familiar had I become with clothes being tight, looking awful and/or the claustrophobic terror that I might get stuck half in/half out of a garment that I have spent my life offering up a kind of silent prayer from various stiflingly-tiny changing rooms.. 

Today, as I was browsing, an assistant approached me and asked if she could put the things I had already selected into the changing cubical for me to try on when I was ready (oh how clothes shop assistants treat me differently now I am slimmer - or maybe I give off a more approachable vibe now I am actually enjoying the experience of clothes shopping).  

I went into the cubicle and (I didn't realise this at the time) I kept my eyes open and did not offer up the "please, please, please" prayer.  Then instead of surveying myself in the mirror and finding myself wanting, I looked at the clothes I was trying on and I assessed the quality, style, value and likability of each garment.  Wow - that is quite a revelation. YAY ME!!!!!!!!!

BeBea xxx

One year on - my Bandiversary :)

One year ago today I had my gastric band operation.  It has been quite a year and my 2012 New Years' resolution to lose weight has been achieved. Geldof (my band) has surpassed all of my expectations.

I reached my weight-loss target in August and I have maintained my weight (between 11st and 11st 6lbs) since then.  I am a comfortable dress size 10/12 and bra size 34F (this time last year I was an uncomfortable size 18/20 and bra size 38H).

For the most part I avoid all refined carbohydrates and I eat a high protein diet.  I do not count calories or grammes of carb, and I do not weigh or measure my food.

I eat only when I am hungry (unless social convention demands I eat when not actively hungry); I usually eat from a small bowl and I am mindful to chew my food well. I have always drunk with my meals (allowing a few seconds between swallowing food and taking a drink) and I stop eating when I am no longer actively hungry.  Most importantly: if I am not enjoying what I am eating, if it is not totally delicious, I do not eat it.  I have recognised that there is no bigger waste of food than putting it into my body when I don't want or need it (doing so will not stop children in Africa being hungry afterall!)

My band has never restricted my eating but it does dull my hunger and allow me to feel satisfied after a reasonable amount of food. I can eat all foods and have only experienced food regurgitation twice (both occasions were as a result of strong emotion causing my band to tighten).

The most challenging, and most liberating, part of my journey this year was coming to terms with, and then addressing, my emotional eating.  I have recognised that I want to eat for many reasons and that hunger is the least common of them!

Food tastes nice and has great capacity to entertain, distract and comfort. But only momentarily. The harsh - but true - reality is that when I use food to address any need other than hunger I will ultimately fail (because my need will remain unmet and I will also feel bad for eating something I didn't need.  

The thing about a compulsion to eat for a reason other than hunger is it is sooooo powerful.  Before Christmas I found myself stood staring at a tupperware box full of fresh homemade treats, everyone was out of the house, nobody would know, it would taste so good, one wouldn't hurt ect. etc.... I slammed the cupboard door shut and walked away; what was I thinking?!?!......... Only to find myself back and removing the box from the cupboard moments later. I opened the box, they smelt sooo good!  I knew I wouldn't only eat one of course. With stupendous effort I reminded myself: If the problem is not hunger the solution is not food!  I realised I was feeling stressed (3-4 days business admin that I needed to do in a 1.5 days); the solution, of course, was for me to get out to my office and work not to sit and eat.  Having recognised, and named, what the problem actually was (i.e. stress not hunger) I was able to put the box back in the cupboard and walk away. Yay me!

I often hear people, who struggle with their weight, saying they want to eat like a slim person - that they don't want to deny themselves anything and to instead have only a little of what they fancy. I think differently. If I could do that I would never have needed a gastric band. The truth is I am a food addict (carbs being my weakness) and I cannot moderate my consumption of certain foods (chocolate being the prime example). My looking at the way 'naturally' slim people eat and telling myself "I want to do that", is as unrealistic as an alcoholic looking at the way non-alcoholics drink and saying to themselves "I'll just have a couple of glasses and then stop - that's what non-alcoholics do".  For some, alcohol becomes an addiction and abstinence is the only solution - that's how it is with me and chocolate (alcohol, however, I can easily take or leave - mostly I leave it). 

In the past year I have lost my excess weight - HURRAH - but I have only done so by making considerable changes to the way I eat and to the way I think about food. This new way of eating will be with me for life and it takes conscious and deliberate effort - every day - to stick with it.

I don't regret having the band for a second and I would do so again in a heartbeat.

My most superficial (but dearest) wish this time last year was that I would be able to wear gorgeous lingerie, including stockings and suspenders :). I have achieved my wish. A photo of me in said lingerie on my blog would be way too revealing - instead  here's a 'sketch' of what that might look like ;).....................

A sketch of what I might look like in my undies ;)

Happy New Year!

Preparing for Christmas

Christmas, for most, is about excess. Food (and by food I meant CARBS), alcohol (since being banded I have only drunk a few glasses of alcohol whilst on holiday), snacks, parties and the likes.

Last Christmas I was on my pre-op diet :). This year I am at target and intend to allow myself a few 'treats' (bring on the champagne :)).  I've been baking and have cupboards full of slabs of millionaires shortbread, jars of homemade baileys and white chocolate fudge, tupperware stuffed with homemade pastries and triple chocolate muffins.  I had a tiny taste of some of it yesterday (when I finished making it all). I will now abstain completely (for now at least).

Christmas 2012 Tree

Christmas Day is a week today. In preparation, today, I have placed myself back on a strict low-carb diet (for the past few months I have been eating some carb to keep myself out of ketosis, otherwise I would have continued to lose weight). I hope to drop a few pounds before Christmas Day to give myself a 'buffer' and prevent the Christmas excesses pushing me back over my target weight.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 11st 7lbs (one pound over target!!) I hope to be 11st 4lbs by Christmas Eve. Wish me luck :D

This Christmas will almost certainly be my darling mums' last. I intend to enjoy my family whilst it remains whole. My mum has always made Christmas so very special and I know this one will be no exception.

I hope you all enjoy the festivities. X

Yuletide Felicitations to you all :)

My first ever coat (as an adult) that fits perfectly :)

My coat arrived this morning :)  I love it :)

New coat, new coat, BeBea-BeBea-new-coat

Cheaply and simply altering a coat

Losing weight can be a costly business especially when good quality clothing, that is now too big, needs to be replaced. 

I am no seamstress but I can work a sewing machine (the basic features at least) and I can crudely sew by hand.  Even if I didn't already own a sewing machine I'd be tempted to purchase one because the cost of a machine is more than paid for by the savings involved in altering, as opposed to replacing, good quality garments.

I have given lots of clothes to charity shops but have altered a few key pieces.  The alterations are far from professional but they are not visible when the clothes are on so they are good enough. 

Yesterday I altered the coat pictured below.

Coat before adjustment (hangs shapelessly from my bust)

On the inside I pinned left and right seam (from under arms to hem), taking the coat in by 10" (5" each side) at the hem and gradually decreasing the amount to meet the original seam directly under the arms. 

I tried the coat on to make sure the pins were correctly placed. 

Unfortunately the coat (it is fur lined) is too thick to fit under the foot on my sewing machine so hand stitching was the only option. I used thick thread doubled then quadrupled through the needle. 

Pinned then sewed a new seam - 2.5" in at coat hem and decreasing
 to meets the original seam under the arm.

The excess material will fold neatly inside the coat
and be invisible when I wear it

The seam does not look 'pretty' and anyone inspecting it would know it was altered by a complete amateur.  However, the alteration was free, I get to keep my coat and when it is worn it is not possible to see the crude alteration. What do you think?

The altered coat fits much more flatteringly

close up of the seam

front view

I have altered a-line skirts and simple dresses using this same crude, yet inexpensive, technique.  It is gratifying on numerous levels to do so :)

Happy sewing.

BeBea xx

Cheap, cheap, cheap new dress.......

I didn't manage to buy a coat this weekend.  I've ordered one online - the FatFace parka pictured in my post below.  The shop didn't have a size 12 in stock - the 10 fit but was tight across the chest (I am looking forward to owning coats that are not tight across the chest thus limiting arm manoeuvrability :)).

I did get cheap dress from Matalan though (I'm usually more of a White Stuff, FatFace, QUBA or small boutique gal when it comes to clothes).  It was only £16!  I may well venture into the clothing department of Matalan more often.

In my new dress Hubby thinks I look like I am going to a Star Trek convention :)

Last night I sat and sewed crude new seams into another coat that I already have (effectively taking it in).    I'll post before and after pics of that later. 

Bx

Going winter coat shopping today :)

I'm hunting for this :) (this one is FatFace)

I am very excited to be going winter coat shopping today. It is brilliant to be able to walk into any shop and pick a size 12 (or even 10!!) off the rail and for it to fit!  Even across my chest :D.

Buying a winter coat, in the past, was an especially miserable business and I never got what I actually wanted.  I always had to 'settle' for any coat that fastened over my chest.  Or, more often, a coat that fit elsewhere but didn't meet across my chest (my bust would spill out and need to be covered with a scarf on colder days).

The coat that I adjusted, and blogged about below, was an example of that. It now fits nicely across my chest :) 

I have numerous other coats that are too big now.  They will 'do' but are far from flattering - and I figure that I have worked so hard to lose the weight, and a coat is such a significant piece as it is worn most days, that I deserve to have one that I love and one that fits well :).

I'm looking to buy a casual coat today (preferably the FatFace Parka pictured above); A couple of months ago I treated myself to a smart coat from White Stuff (as pictured below).  I love it but as it doesn't have a hood, and is pale in colour, it is not suitable for dog walking and the likes..

Lovely White Stuff coat that I treated myself to earlier this year.

Wish me luck with my shopping trip :). I'll post pics later if I find 'the coat'.

Bx

Altering clothes so they fit my slimmer frame

Some clothes I am reluctant to get rid of despite them being too big. I am not, by any means, good at sewing but I can work my sewing machine and I can do a few stitches by hand.

With a few simple dresses and a-line skirts I have reduced their size by turning them inside out and running a line of stitches an inch or two inside the existing seams (this turns size 18s into size 10/12s).  It is not a professional job but it is free and when turned the right way around it is not possible to see the alterations :).

This weekend I unpacked my winter coats. I was apprehensive about trying on a coat I bought, thankfully not when at my biggest, as I knew it would be too big and I love it. It was was pricey and purchased from a gorgeous boutique on a memorable visit to Warwick with hubby. I loved it so much I bought it despite it being being a hot and sunny August day!

As predicted, when I tried it on this weekend, the coat was unflatteringly loose on my new frame. It fitted well across my bust (which is great as it was always very tight there) but was way too big around the middle. I looked at how I could alter it and realised that a few simple stitches to the back (either side of back waist band) would nip the coat in by 8" at the waist and create two flattering pleats into the bargain :).

The alteration to the coat took 10 minutes.

A few stitches added to the back of my beloved winter coat has nipped
it in at the waist nicely (creating two new pleats at the back) :)

Front

Back

Forgetting to eat!

Yesterday I spent the day renovating my old bedroom furniture. I was so absorbed in my project I totally forgot to eat. I ate literally nothing until 10pm at night (when I had a yummy omelette).   Pre-band I would not have forgotten to eat for an entire day!  

I promised myself when I got to target I would decorate my bedroom and revamp my wardrobes (to accommodate my lovely clothes). I spent last weekend decorating and yesterday I covered two chests of drawers in contasting fabrics. I am rather pleased with the results (see pics).  I have ordered some little crystal handles to finish them off. 

My bedroom is almost complete - a new carpet is needed (as you can see from the photos below!) and a pelmet needs to be added to the new sliding wardrobe doors (hubby has that in hand - that is next weekends' project :)).

My Saturday creative project :)

I decorated the bedroom without assistance - before I lost weight my arms would have been screaming their protest at having to paint an entire ceiling and 4 walls (the walls required 3 coats of paint as they were a hideous orange previously).

Each drawer front is covered in contrasting fabric (using glue and staples) - small crystal
 drawer knobs will be added to the centre of each drawer to complete the look :)

Dobby (my gorgeous chocolate lab') rather likes the new decor :)

"I think I'll have a snooze here to give me enough energy for my big sleep later :)"

Rewarding myself with time to indulge my creative side is so much more enjoyable, and fulfilling, than buying myself chocolate and junk to eat (as I would have done once upon a time.......) :D

BeBea x

My sanctuary and Dobby's too (a new bed I made for him this
weekend can be seen at the bottom left of the photo) :)

Visiting my ex-husband in Santa Ponça

Santa Ponça

I'm posting this from Santa Ponça, Mallorca. I'm out here visiting my ex-husband (who is like a best friend/brother to me). He is out here living and working (as a musician / singer) for the summer season. 

I have had a great week. So much better (I am certain) than it would have been had I not lost weight. I have swum in the gorgeous sea every day (at least a mile each time), I have danced and danced and danced (two nights ago I was still dancing at 4am - and fell into bed at 5.30am).

Night out at Durty Nellys (my ex is on the right) 

My dance buddy was a 22year old adorable young woman who works with my ex - I certainly couldn't have kept up with a 22year old when I was 88lbs heavier!

Gorgeous bay where I swum each day

About to take a dip 

I have stuck to my diet, and drank plenty of water and tea (a solitary glass of alcohol on my first night).  It has been wonderful to catch up with my ex and to see him perform (he is a fantastic musician and singer).

View from the balcony where I am sitting typing this post

Tomorrow is my last day here.  I head home to my gorgeous hubby (I've missed him terribly) and family on Sunday morning.  I will be sad to say goodbye to both my ex and Santa Ponça and overjoyed to see hubby, kids and my adorable puppy :)

We'll see what the scales say when I get home.

UPDATE:  I am now home and my weight is exactly the same as when I left (yay!!)  I am booked for a fill on Wednesday (third one since being banded).  I hope that will help me to maintain my weight loss.

Airports are different now I'm thinner......

I'm in an airport waiting for a flight, not an unusual experience as I travel a lot for my business, and today I am acutely aware of how different the experience is to when I was 6st heavier.

Today I have just enjoyed a small brie salad - slowly - and I savoured every mouthful. It was truly delicious and I feel satisfied with what I have eaten. Previously I would probably have wolfed down a burger and chips and a large diet coke and then gone to 'stock up' on drinks and snacks for the plane (maybe two 500ml bottles of diet coke a share sized bag of chocolate and a grab bag of crisps).

I would be dreading getting on the flight incase I was seated next to someone and they would have to 'endure' my bulk and I would endure my shame. Or, even worse, that I would be sat next to someone equally large and we would struggle to fit :(. Being physically jammed against a complete stranger with no ability to move away is not pleasant!

I loathed adjusing the seatbelt to its greatest length and then having to breathe in to get the buckle fastened.  Nowadays I have to tighten, rather than loosen, the belt and I have a foot of belt to spare :).

Today I am sitting in a cafe area freezing cold.  Autumn appears to have arrived today and, when I packed for my trip I didn't account for how chilly it was going to get, my feet are freezing (tights and boots tomorrow).  I feel the cold much more now I am thinner - but on the plus side I am much more comfortable with hot weather.

Flight is being called - must dash. 

My wonderful belated honeymoon with PHOTOS ;)

Me on my holibobs with the ship behind me (Malaga)

I had the most wonderful holiday with my wonderful husband.  For the first time in 12 years I wore a bikini (and in public too).

Proof that I bared my flesh in public!!

A cruise was probably not the best place to try and maintain my weight *understatement of the century*, and I did eat more than I would have eaten at home, and I drank alcohol (which is something I have not done at all since being banded).  I was determined, however, not to undo all of my hard work and I am pleased to report that I only gained 1lb in the two weeks that I was away.

I was frequently amazed by how much food some people ate - for breakfast, in the buffet restaurant, I saw many people pack away more than I eat in an entire week (maybe two)!

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Husband also managed to maintain his weight during the cruise; he beasted himself in the gym onboard every day and was very restrained in what he ate - I'm so proud of him (anyone who has read this blog from the beginning will know he too struggles with his weight and that he was 21st 7lbs around five years ago).  There was, of course, other forms of exercise readily available.........................

Mount Vesuvius

Monte Carlo

.............................well it was our honeymoon ;)

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Eternity ring that husband gave me 

Whilst we were onboard we renewed our wedding vows in the ship's chapel.  The Captain performed the ceremony.  It was really lovely :)

Listening to husband as he renewed his vows to me

Official photographers' snap out on deck after the service 

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On our wedding anniversary I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted (within reason) and I ate lots of carbs.  That is the only time, since I started out on this weight loss journey, that I have done that - every other day before (and since) I have exercised conscious and, often difficult, restraint with regard to what I choose to put in my mouth (oo er!!).

I found carbs went down very easily and I wanted to eat, and was able to eat, much more than I would ordinarily.  For breakfast I had toast and croissant with butter and preserves, for lunch I ate half a 12" pizza, for afternoon snack I had a waffle, with clotted cream and marinated strawberries and for dinner I had two bread rolls, scallops with potato, filet mignon with fries, mushrooms, asparagus and creamed spinach followed by a selection of desserts (which I shared with hubby).  I was amazed at how much I could eat and I am sure I could have eaten more had I allowed myself!

Top of  Mount Vesuvius

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Whilst onboard husband and I got the opportunity to visit the bridge....

Looking out at the view from the ships' bridge

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We had an amazing honeymoon and I am home feeling relaxed and refreshed.  Our children did a great job of looking after the house, Dobby and each other.  Life is pretty good.................