Ambivalent?

Hello everyone :)

I'm struggling a bit....

I'm 12lbs (ish) from my goal weight. In the past two weeks I have, subconsciously I think, increased the amount I am eating.


The result is my weight loss has stopped (I'm doing the 2lb shuffle).


I have had 'a word' with myself today and I realise I am somewhat ambivalent about losing the last 12lbs.  I'm 5' 7" (size 8 feet) and have always been curvy (currently 41 - 29 - 41) and I think I fear losing my curves  :/   I am now size 12-14.


My ambivalence wonders about BMI (currently 26) as a measure of what is healthy and points out that my waist / hip ratio (currently 0.7) is considered healthy!  Then my bloody ambivalence *evil*  says "ah but why wouldn't you want a normal BMI and to reach your goal....?"


And..........I fear that my ambivalence could be eminating from my internal saboteur  - the part of me that has failed at every diet I have ever attempted. It is not, I am sure, irrelevant that 11st 12lbs (my current weight) is the lightest I have weighed as an adult (I have got here before and then eaten my way all the way back to 17.5st!).


It has helped me get some perspective writing this lot down xx

Bx

Vital statistics......

As of this morning my vital statistics read: 41 - 29 - 41

On 20th November 2011 (the day I started my pre-op diet) my vital stats read:
48 - 40 - 50

I am loving Geldof (my band) and my vibro-plate :)

Bx

Guilty!

He was willing to plead guilty to ABH (section 20) if the prosecution dropped the section 18 "with intent". Since proving intent within our adversarial system would have been very difficult my son was content with his attackers' admission of guilt (even if he denied intent to cause serious harm).

We are going out for a meal this evening to celebrate (steak and salad for me - yummy)

Sentencing will be at a later date. We are looking forward to that and to seeing him 'taken down' - mens' prison is not a place most 18 year olds would relish spending even a single night, never mind months or possibly years.

Bx

My son's attacker is in court tomorrow......

.......please send any spare good vibes you have our way :)

My 16yo son was assaulted a few months ago at a house party by a man he had never met before. The man (17) who was wearing an electronic tag for previously assaulting someone else (and had broken his curfew to attend the party) took a dislike to my boy.

He punched him repeatedly, rammed his face into a doorframe (breaking his nose) then took a bottle and smashed it over the side of my sons' head (causing the glass to shatter) and he then plunged the splintered remains into my boys' face (just above his right eye) and he proceeded to drag the glass down his face, across his neck and then to push it into his upper chest. Mercifully at that point a number of people managed to pull him off (I shudder to think what could have happened if he'd have had more time to push the bottle in further - the hole he left in my sons' chest was horrific enough as it was!)

My son had many stitches, steri-strips and lots of glue holding his numerous lacerations together. He has been left with serious scarring (particularly to his neck and chest).

The thug who did this to him stands trial tomorrow for Wounding with Intent (Section 18) - the maximum sentence for which is 'life' (not that he will get a fraction of that if he is found guilty - he is 18 now but was technically a juvenile when he committed the crime).

My son is an amazing young man (I know I am biased but non-biased people totally agree with me) and we are so proud of him for so many things; and non more so than the mature and brave way he as dealt with this whole ordeal.

I very much hope the trial goes ahead tomorrow and that the jury are able come to the right and just decision.

Bx

Vibration platform...........VIDEO!!!

I can't quite believe I am about to publish these videos of myself using the vibration platform.  My teenage kids would be mortified if they knew!  Especially of the second one - lol.

It is amazing what the anonymity of blogging allows one to do (only my husband knows about my blog - nobody else in my 'real life' is aware).

If you are someone who knows me please let me know (gently) - I am posting assuming you are all strangers or gastric surgery friends ;)


Clip one: a fairly standard workout.......

Or, if you cannot access the clip above, click here.

Clip two: the embarrassing one.......!

I challenge any of you to listen to James Brown and not get your funk on!!! LOL

Or, if you cannot access the clip above, click here.

BeBea xx

Very happy - waist measurement target achieved!!

At this mornings' weigh and measure I was thrilled to reach my target waist measurement :D. I'm loving my vibro-plate :)

P.S. As well as making my waist measurement target: today also represents exactly 5.5st loss, less than 1st to go to target weight and the first time I have weighed 11st something in many years!

Conquering emotional eating

Geldof (my band) is teaching me a lot about my past use of food to deal with my emotions - primarily stress.

I have found this book very helpful in understanding how I use food and what to do about it.

Having spent £5.5K on my band, and worked so hard to get my weight down, I am determined to not fall into a tub of Ben & Jerrys or to stuff myself full of chocolate in an attempt to feel momentarily better about how much work I have to do (and how little time) and to feel less sad and empty about my mum's prognosis.

Let's face it eating 'comfort food' full of carbohydrate, calories, fat and sugar won't change anything - I'll still have a full inbox, my accounts will still need completing, invoices will not have written and sent themselves, numerous reports will still need writing and my mum will still be dying. The only thing that will have changed is I will feel guilty for having eaten junk and physically I will, ultimately, gain weight and revert to feeling bloated, headachy, sluggish and uncomfortable.

I consider myself a very self aware individual (I'm a qualified psychotherapist) and as such I have been amazed how much of my emotional connection to food has been out of my awareness until now.

I have had to find new, healthier, ways of acknowledging and then dealing with my stress and grief. My new 'best friend' in this regard is my vibration plate (see here). When I get an urge to eat junk I instead jump on my wobble board and exercise the desire away. It works!

I spend 10 minutes on my vibration plate, working out with weights, and the urge to eat diminishes :D. Additionally, in the three weeks that I have been using the vibro-plate, I have seen incredible results in terms of inches lost and increased body tone. I have also stopped feeling an urge to eat when I am feeling sad or stressed - I now get an urge to exercise!! I cannot quite believe that I (yes I) am saying that.

I will get some photos of me using the vibro plate up here over the weekend (I might even post video if I can work out how)..........

Bariatric food reviews dot com - check it out.....

This is a really interesting website. Thought you might like to have a look.



Bx

For any boy bandits (or would be bandits).....

.....check out this blog written by a male bandit buddy of mine from this fabulous forum.

Bx

My darling mum.....

If you have read this blog from the beginning you may recall that I talked about my mum having been very poorly in 2011 and my desire to see New Year in with her despite being banded the day before NYE.

I am devastated to have to tell you that the cancer is back. She had bowel cancer diagnosed in January 2011, the day after she had part of her bowel removed and was in hospital for over month struggling with post-op complications. Mum was left with an illiostomy post surgery, and CT scans revealed secondary tumors in her lung. She had 6 months of chemotherapy in Spring and Summer 2011. Mum then had an op in November to reverse the illiostomy. In January 2012 mum had a further op to remove the secondary tumors from her lung. Her oncologist and surgeons were thrilled and very confident that the treatment had been successful.

Now mum has a large tumor in her lung and two further tumors in her liver. The tumors are inoperable. My darling mum has been told to get her affairs in order and to consider her remaining time in months rather than years. She is undergoing more chemo to try and buy her more time. My poor mum has been through so much.....

I am reeling from this knowledge. Everyone dies - I know that of course. Cancer is a horrific disease that claims the lives of so many - too soon. But this is my mum! The centre of my family. I cannot begin to anticipate the mum sized hole that will be left when she is no longer here.

My three children are devastated. My mum is the bestest Nanny. My dad is shocked and angry. My elder brother (who lives with my mum and dad) is denying reality and eating to comfort himself (he weighs 26+st and counting).....

Me? I'm learning an awful lot about my own emotional relationship to food and to eating. I'll post more about that soon.

Incisions 6 months on........

Ooopsie I just accidentally deleted a post I added a few days ago - doh!!

Apologies to the people who had left comments on that post.

I will re-publish the photos that the deleted post had on it - my incision scars from 5 hours post op (30th December 2011) to 30th June 2012 (6 months post op).

scars 6 months post op

scars 5 months post op

scars 5 weeks post op

incision sites 5 hours post op